What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 01:09
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
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She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
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Where the ultimate outsiders.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She loved him until the end.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
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Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
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But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I couldn’t, believe it.
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I was scared of men, in general
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
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I waited trembling.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She wouldn,t have been !
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Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But it wasn’t much.
My family never makes their pension either.
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He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And i lived it daily.
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I have no regrets .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Why did i forgive my father ?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He resisted the act ,that day.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She was in good health!
When she asked me how she looked .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was very sick at this time too.
I said to her
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
We were not on the streets..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Put me off passion for life!!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
This is soul school!.
Comes on , in middle age.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I think the readers, may guess!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I will be 64.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
As i do to all so called friends.?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
So whats the point in blame.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I was 9 years of age.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
All the time i was locked up.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
One cannot live in the past .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I don,t even have a pension.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I never cut or harmed myself..
We all went to grammer schools
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
So, i spoilt her more .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Im still living with it.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
It was going to be , some day.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He knew the spot.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She found it foreign!.
Who then, do I blame.?
What did i know ?
My life is so biszare .
Would this be the day?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She married twice! .
Ive learnt so much.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Especially a lifetime of it.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I was seconnd youngest,
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But, we were locked up after school.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I write beautiful poetry .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.